Tweeted Podcast Episode 1

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Welcome to the tweeted podcast. That is actually backwards. It should actually be podcasted tweets. Because essentially what this podcast will be is other people’s tweets. And me making fun of them or commenting on them or just reading them sometimes. Because as anyone who uses twitter knows, some tweets link to other documents or other websites or whatever. And if I am in the mood, I may read those too. So hang on while I just let my freak flag fly and say whatever comes to mind. I hope it doesn’t suck too much.

Did you see the trailer for the new spiderman? I didn’t either yet. But I am going to watch it. Probably right now. Get this. The trailer has it’s own account. There is all kind of promotional tweets on it. Tweets for other movies. Tweets for action figures. What I want to know is why there no tweets about spiderman’s genitals?

Seriously, who is not curious about spiderman’s junk? Admit it, you want to know what it looks like. Have you ever seen a spider’s junk? We are not talking about something that the average woman or man is going to want to play with. But then again, who wants be average?



I do like Spiderman. But there is a serious continuity problem with this. For some reason, Marvel keeps trying to rewrite Spiderman’s back story. And for some other reason, I will not speculate; they can’t seem to get the same actor to play him. The guy who played him in the other Spiderman movies was pretty believable. And of course, the girl who played his love interest. Yes.

But now there is a new kid on the block. And the backstory includes some farcical meeting and even possibly some collaborating with Iron Man. Well, Ironman and the Spideman although initially seem like a good team, Tony Stark is too egocentric to ever work with a spiderman. Especially one with genitals like that.

On to some sports. Ever hear of Clay Travis? Me either. But he is a writer He writes about sports. This week of course he is writing about the March Madness. Do you know what that is? If you don’t, I will explain it to you. It is the only sporting event that the networks feel confident about making a boat load of money off of in March. Oh sure, there is NASCAR Racing and Golf. But the hype around the College Basketball Championships is gold for CBS and ESPN and well anybody who makers money from College Sports.

And perhaps rightfully so. Perhaps, and I guess for reals; mens college basketball is exciting. Primarily because younger men who don’t make millions of dollars a year like pro basketball players work harder. Just like younger men work harder at sex. When you are trying to make a name for yourself, you are going to tweak that clit like it has the universal life force in it. But once you get married, it becomes more like an old jalopy in the garage that you may want to consider trying to starting every sunday for a few minutes just to make sure all the parts don’t rust.

Well Travis’s opinion this week is that the SEC Basketball Coaches are better the the SEC Football Coaches. And I quote, “ That’s because the SEC basketball coaches are really good. In fact, they’re infinitely better than the SEC football coaches from top to bottom. Don’t believe me?”

Well Travis, I am not sure if I believe you. But I believe this. Oranges are far better than Apples from the Bottom Up. And likewise. Caramel is better than chocolate. Red is better than blue. And sometimes it is not the coach’s performance that you need to measure, it is the system that the coach operates in. I am of the opinion that trying to measure these coaches against each other may have just been a way of trying to get people to read your writing. And Travis, you don’t need to do that. People already read your writing.

Politics time. Who doesn’t think that US Politics has not become a boon for the entire industry of professional comedy? It is like one day God woke up and said to himself, “ There is too much crap going on down there and people are getting so sick and tired of trying to govern themselves; that I think I need to get Donald Trump elected. If that doesn’t cheer people up, I don’t know what will.”

The nice thing is that it is working for some people. Like me. People who have nothing left to lose and who needed a role model. Before I realized that Donald Trump could become president, I thought it was a bad thing to only follow the laws that I felt were applicable to me in whatever given circumstance. I thought it was a bad thing to fire people without warning. To borrow a bunch of money from people and then decide that I could not pay them back and declare bankruptcy. To create alternative facts to suit my own point of view.

Having President Trump as my sitting president has done more for my self esteem than having a whole harem would have ever done. Not to say that I have ambitions in that direction any more. Maybe 30 years ago, but at my age; I am not even sure I have the energy to deal with one woman, let alone a whole flock of them. Or is it herd? Or murder? Or dangit does anyone know any other terms for a group of women that may not seem to mean and sexist. I don’t want to use the word group. That is too easy and nice.

I quoted the above tweet to make a point about how much material modern politics is creating for comic relief. Let’s dissect shall we? “Obamacare will explode” OK. So this means that somehow a big huge pack of paper, like all 1990 pages is going to explode. It isn’t a Samsung phone is it?

BTW it was 1990 pages when it was originally given to Congress. But from what I have read, and I could be wrong; Congress felt the need to fill it out a bit to nearly 20,000 pages. So the Executive writes a memo and the legislators who need to vote yea or nay, need to multiply the original memo by 10 to get to a place where they feel good about passing it. Now that is what I call governing.

Next piece, “we will all get together” I am thinking this is an invitation to Mar el Lago aren’t you? So once this massive document leaps passed the laws of physics and spontaneously combusts, we all get to go to Florida and go golfing. Yipee. I am thinking my tee time will be somewhere in 2045. But that is OK because I can easily live that long with the new Healthcare plan that is great.

I got three jokes out of one tweet limited to 140 characters. So if you write or perform comedy and you can’t find any material; head on over to twitter and follow some politicians. And if you are still struggling, hire me.

The media. I am likely to pick on the mainstream media occasionally too. Why because they deserve it. Well not all of them. But some of them definitely do. Let’s stick with the “story” about how the Republicans and the President still have to live with their government sponsored health care plans that are likely to help them live long and prosperous lives, while the rest of us are still stuck with the Affordable Care Plan. Notice that I am not calling it ObamaCare. Because that is not what it is called. So here is one from a well respected and mistakenly trusted mainstream media outlet.

In this soundbite, there is one glaring problem from my perspective in the Suburban Ghetto; the health care plan failing to pass is not a defeat on the part of President Trump. And although many of the mainstream media has been harping on and on about how it was a failure for the Executive branch of the Government, it was and never will be President Trump’s failure.

It is a glaring failure on the part of the system as a whole. But for some reason, people who are getting quite wealthy and are supposedly trained to be objective are struggling with this perspective. People who some of you may trust to tell you the truth. Who you may trust are able to identify and find the truth. People who you may think care about you. They do not.

Some of your favorite journalists may act like they care. But they do not write what they report in many cases. And they do not have a choice on what they report and how it is written in most cases. There are people who do have that responsibility, but it is not the friendly faces you see on TV or friendly voices you hear on the Radio.

And that is why there may be times during this podcast when I make fun of what they report. Because someone has to do it.

So there is your first episode. Did you like it? Do you care? Will you listen again or comment somewhere I have posted it? That is up to you. If you do, try to be respectful. That way, I won’t have to chasten you for your bad behavior. And don’t think I can’t do it. I can.